This just in. The Trump administration has announced a sweeping change in its plans to make America great. For the first time in modern memory, the government is making an elemental adjustment to our most basic mathematical assumptions.
As of March 1, two plus two will equal four and a half (2+2 = 4.5). President Trump charged that previous Presidents Obama and Clinton should have done this long ago but were “too stupid to recognize the benefits to the American people.”
Betsy DeVos, Trump’s secretary of education, lauded the president’s action stating, “By doing this, President Trump has made America 12.5 percent greater with the stroke of a pen!”
When signing his executive order, Trump stated, “This is the first step in developing a totally new, fabulous and beautiful American arithmetic. For too long America has been imprisoned by a math system developed in Arab countries. This shameful domination from the Muslim Middle East ends right here and right now. The American people deserve their own common sense system of calculation. We expect the rest of the world to fall in line with us, but whether they do or not Amerimath is here to stay, I can tell you this.”
As an example of the benefits of the new system, the administration stated that 2x4s used extensively in the construction industry will now be 2×4.5s, providing 12.5 percent additional structural strength to America’s foundations.
“And the totally beautiful part,” said an enthusiastic Trump, “is that we can do this for everyone in America at no additional cost. It does not add a penny to the deficit, believe me.
“Golfers, he added, “will love this because par 4 holes will now be par 4.5.”
The president did not explain how to measure half a stroke.
Democrats claimed that the change will automatically make the nation’s debt 12.5 percent higher, but administration officials pooh-poohed this as misguided, mainstream, fake news, old math thinking, pointing out that since the debt existed before the change, it will continue to be measured by the old system “for the sake of comparison and clarity.”
DeVos extolled the ramifications of the move.
“Just think of the economic boost this will provide for the publishing industry alone. All the old textbooks will be obsolete. New ones will be needed immediately. More books, more publishing jobs, and those jobs will be paid at the new Amerimath rates making paychecks 12.5 percent higher. It’s a real win-win for everyone!”
Some pundits and mathematicians were puzzled by the change.
Treasury Secretary Mnuchin, however, reassured the public.
“Of course, there may be some confusion early on as the new system takes hold. We expect people to adjust quickly, though. Some of the eggheads on the tenured Ivy League faculties will most likely drag their liberal feet.”
Dramatic though the change may be, the entire country appears to favor the president’s action.
“If I can get 12.5 percent more for my money,” said one consumer, “why wouldn’t I go for it? Trump is really delivering for the common man!”
John Sucke is a resident of Waimea.