With March 15 just three days after you read today’s column, I thought I’d just remind y’all “Beware the Ides of March.” Now if you don’t know the history of Julius Caesar’s demise, Google it! March 15 was a very bad luck day, ”Et tu Brute!” Now you know why some hospitals have no room #13 and some tall buildings skip the 13th floor! If you now are tired of numerology, howze about some jokes?
A woman asked her daughter if she had seen her newspaper. The daughter told her that newspapers are old-school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and she then handed her mom her iPad. Yep, that fly didn’t stand a chance!
My friend was eating lunch with his 10-year-old grandson on Feb. 18 and asked him, ”What day is tomorrow?” The young boy said, “It’s President’s Day!” My friend then asked, ”What does President’s Day mean?” He was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln, etc. The boy replied with a smile, ”President’s Day is when the President steps out of the White House. If he sees his shadow we have one more year of serious unemployment!”
The teacher was working with a slow-in-math student and asked her to write the number 55. The student asked, “How do I do that?” The teacher replied, with some frustration, “Write down the number 5, and beside it add another 5.” The student wrote one 5 and stopped. The teacher inquired immediately, ”What’s wrong?” The student replied, “I don’t know which side to write the other 5!” Yep, she finally graduated and now is a politician!
The following are for all of you who need to know everything! … No piece of paper can be folded half more than seven times! Oh, go ahead, I’ll be waiting! … Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Now, since Venus is normally associated with women, what does that tells you? That women are going in the “right” direction!) … Walt Disney was afraid of mice! … A duck’s quack does not echo, and no one knows why! … And the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts!(I think I know some people like that, don’t you?) Now remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on and stop folding that darn paper!
Same teacher, different student: ”If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?” Student: “One dollar!!” “Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic!” Student: ”You don’t know my father!”
And this last one is for all of you who guard you privacy: “Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?” “No sir, it’s Google’s Pizza! “Did I dial the wrong number?” “No sir, Google bought the pizza store.” “Oh, alright then. I’d like to place an order please.” “OK sir, do you want the usual?” “The usual?? You know what my usual is??” “According to the caller ID, the last 15 times you’ve ordered a 12-slice with double cheese, sausage and thick crust!” “OK, that’s what I want this time too.” “May I suggest that this time you order an 8-slice with ricotta, arugula and tomato instead.” “No, I hate vegetables.” “But your cholesterol is not good!” “How do you know that??” ”Through the subscribers guide. We have the results of your blood test for the last 7 years!” “You know what, I am sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter and everyone else having all my information! I’m going to an island without internet, where there’s no cellphone line, and no one to spy on me!” “I understand sir. But you may want to renew your passport. It expired five weeks ago!” Yep, we all can identify.
Aloha … be well .. laugh some everyday! Et tu Brute. A hui hou.