Surely you all will agree that we need a little humor in our lives to lighten and brighten even the worst days. So let’s get started!
One of the world’s greatest scientists was also recognized as the original absentminded professor. One day, onboard a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, “Take it easy. You’ll find it!” So when the conductor returned, the professor still couldn’t find his ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, “I’m sure you bought a ticket, so forget about it!” “You’re very kind,” the professor replied, “but I must find it. Otherwise, I won’t know where to get off!”
A gentleman was cleaning out a very old basement in a house he just bought. Amongst the old and valuable things, he noticed a worn-out lamp. He rubbed the lamp to get dust off and out came a genie! “Yes, master, express your wish,” the genie said with enthusiasm! The man then said, “Genie get me a grand villa where I can live happily ever after with my sweetheart!” The genie looked at the man and said, “Well, if I could make a villa like that, then why the h— do you suppose I live in this stuffy worn out lamp?” (Now, did the man laugh or faint?)
Here is one for all you fishermen (and women). Stranger: “Catch any fish?” Fisherman: “I did!! I took 25 out of this stream this morning!” Stranger: “Do you know who I am? I’m the game warden!” Fisherman: “Do you know who I am? I’m the biggest liar in this county!”
A kind lady (who happens to be blonde) helps a trucker. She is flagged down, and the trucker is desperate when he asks, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure,” says the lady, “Do you need a lift?” “No, not for me, but I have two chimpanzees who I am taking to the San Diego Zoo, and they are really stressed! I’ll give you $200 if you will get them there by afternoon.” “I’d be happy to help them,” the lady says. So, the two chimps are put in the back seat, carefully strapped in, and off they went. Five hours later, the truck driver had fixed his truck and is driving through the heart of San Diego when he sees the woman walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of his brakes he pulls off the road and runs over to the woman. “What are you doing here?” he demands. “I gave you $200 to take these chimps to the zoo!” “Yes, I know you did,” says the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World!”
The following police comments were taken from actual police car videos: Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them awhile! If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired! … You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on your ticket, huh? … Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, and eat cotton candy and hot dogs! … and the grand finale: I’m glad to hear that chief (of police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So, I hope you know someone who can post your bail! (Remember these next time you are pulled over!)
One more quickie and we close … How is it that we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Aloha my friends … Smile and laugh. It’s good for you! A hui hou.
