Last week, there was an incident of domestic violence on my block. A man and a woman were screaming at each other and it predictably led to physical force.
Several of the neighbors, including some children who live at the house in question, and at houses on either side, could clearly hear and see at least part of the altercation. Fortunately, the cops showed up and managed to subdue the man (of course he resisted violently) and take him away.
Case closed? Probably not.
We’ve all heard the long list of rationalizations for this kind of behavior, and being exposed to abuse and violence as a child is usually at the top of the list. Much too often, the victim(s) of violence refuse to press charges, out of well-founded fear that next time it will be worse, and welcome the abuser back into their homes so the scene can play out again. Like Nicole Brown Simpson and countless others, they give their abuser just one more chance. And often that is all the abuser needs to finish the job.
Meanwhile, the people who live within earshot and within view of these episodes are probably trying live their lives in peace and quiet, but are instead upset and even traumatized by these sickening episodes. Children aren’t the only ones affected.
I realize those who engage in this kind of behavior aren’t likely to read this, recognize themselves, have an epiphany, and change. But I hope someone who is related to or friends with people who are in violent relationships might be encouraged to talk with them and try and get them to see that they are damaging their kids, sometimes irreparably, by subjecting them even verbal violence. PTSD, anxiety and depression are often the result of not being able to trust adults — the ones whose job it is to protect you from harm — but who are instead the main source of it.
Impressionable kids (and they are all impressionable) often repress their fear and sorrow when they see (for example) their father attacking their mother, until it later manifests itself and the now-adult boys become attackers and the now-adult girls become victims.
If nobody steps out of the mold and breaks the cycle, how will it ever stop?
Please — even if you don’t recognize the existence of your neighbors, think about what you’re doing to your kids. When you attack each other, you’re attacking them, too.
Linda Gross is a resident of Kailua-Kona
