In the new year we will stop littering, stop throwing beer cans, plastic cups and bento wrappers out of car windows.
We will use the ashtray and not throw lit cigarettes out to start fires in Kohala or anywhere else. And we’ll always leave the beach cleaner than how we found it.
We will really malama the aina.
In the new year we will let every car go by for a half-mile before we pull out, and never pull out in front of another car again.
We will never tailgate and always stay 100 feet behind the car ahead of us. If we are tailgated by somebody, we’ll pull over and let him pass and refrain from giving him a single finger salute.
And we won’t abandon our vehicle on the road, even though no one knows what the heck to do with their car when it dies.
We will never drive drunk, not even after one tiny sip of beer, wine or booze. And if we go to Kona after dark to party, we’ll always call a taxi. Uber is OK, too, because it’s cheaper.
We will never text and drive again, always wear a helmet on a motorcycle and stop wearing black jackets that blend in with the black highway and make us invisible to people in cars, causing them to run us over. We’ll wear bright colors when we ride.
In the new year we will not punch anyone. We will not yell at the neighbors for partying all night just like we did last week. And we will not curse at the 6 o’clock news no matter what crazy things the Republicans do, or the Democrats, for that matter.
We will try not to get aggravated at President Trump, but no promises.
We will stop complaining about the water wells, the Oahu rail, the GET, the BLT, BFD and vacation rentals. And please, enough about feral cats.
In the new year we will give money to every homeless person we see and never put them down. And we will build homeless people a nice place to live, anywhere but across the street from the high school. What were they thinking?
In Hawaii, we will dispose of all guns except those used for hunting. We will follow the Constitution as it was written, giving us the right to only bear a flintlock rifle.
We will not buy a fishing license and continue to fish free forever. Also, we’ll prosecute aquarium fish collectors and throw them into the deepest, darkest dungeon Hawaii has to offer.
We will forget about the TMT, it takes so much energy already, time to give it a rest.
On New Year’s Eve we will not blow up our neighbor’s house with fireworks.
Above all, we will stop bickering about the Hawaiian takeover, forgive and forget and go on so aloha can bloom in our hearts. We will give aloha to everyone we meet.
If we can do all these things — wait for it — we can Make Hawaii Great Again.
Dennis Gregory writes a bimonthly column for West Hawaii Today and welcomes your comments at firstname.lastname@example.org