Yep, my readers, it is a New Year? Resolutions? My favorite two:
• Well, it was fun while it lasted. Sincerely, Jan. 2.
• New Year is here. Don’t put things off! (Then, best I finish?)
• Mental Health Hot Line: “Hello and Welcome!”
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, Press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. No-one will answer.
• One friend asks another, “Hey, any New Year’s resolutions this year?”
“Yep, just eat what you want!” the friend answers.
“How does it work?”
You get fat!” the friend responds.
“Uh, sounds like you don’t know much about nutrition.”
“Yes I do, drink lots of water with it!”
• Sign on take out taco store: “Sorry, we are closed due to short staff.” I told them they needed to hire taller staff. I really wanted a taco!
• A sandwich walks into a bar. Bartender: “Sorry, we don’t serve food.”
• What’s the difference between the bird flu and the swine flu? One requires tweetment and the other oinktment!
• A woman goes to her doctor’s clinic. She is seen by one of the new clinic doctors. After only a couple minutes in the room she burst out screaming and runs down the hall. The doctor catches her, has her sit in another room, where her usual doctor talks to her. He then comes out and says angrily to the younger doctor: “What’s is it with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, has four grown children, and five grandchildren, and you tell her she is pregnant?”
The new doctor smiles as he is writing in her chart: “Cured her hiccups, didn’t it?”
Now to close with some more favorite puns, I love them!
• Our mountains aren’t just funny, they’re hill-areas.
• In search of fresh vegetable puns? Lettuce know.
• Life is short! If you can’t laugh at yourself, Call me, I will!
• Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
This last one will surprise some of you … shock some … like my editor … so here goes. I speak out to all you parents: It is your duty as a major part of society to raise the next generation to be good citizens: healthy, educated, productive, informed, serious, kind, generous and tolerant! Did I forget anything?
Aloha, a hui hou.
Shay Bintliff, MD, writes a weekly humor column for West Hawaii Today.