The Ryder Cup started at 2:30 a.m. EDT Friday in Scotland, meaning you’ve probably slept through the opening four-ball matches. Chances are you’re happy to sleep through the entire thing.
That’s understandable since this Ryder Cup has two big things going against it. It’s not football, and the only player who attracts a nongolf audience is home in Florida getting back massages.
So why watch?
I promise the Golf Channel and NBC are not paying me to write this, but here are five outstanding reasons to tune in this weekend:
1. The guy with the bad back isn’t playing.
That would be Tiger Woods, of course. He’s great for ratings, but his Ryder Cup numbers are 13-17-3.
Woods epitomizes the theory Team USA is a bunch of self-absorbed billionaires and Team Europe is 12 club pros who sleep in the same bed. That’s not quite accurate, since Rory McIlroy can afford to sleep with anyone he wants.
It is odd that the only U.S. win this century came when Tiger was hurt in 2008. The Yanks promptly stole Europe’s underdog mojo and crushed the Euros by one of those 16 1/2 to 11 1/2 scores only golf fans understand.
2. The Meltdown at Medinah.
The U.S. essentially blew a six-touchdown lead on the final day. Even Uncle Sam would have to admire how bug-eyed Ian Poulter made approximately 39 straight putts to lead the comeback. The drama was enriched when cigar-chomping honorary U.S. vice-captain Michael Jordan started heckling Ian Poulter, trying to psych him out.
“It was my court,” Poulter told NBC, “and he’s not playing ball.”
The debacle was the seventh U.S. loss the past nine Ryder Cups. It’s gotten so bad that President Obama apologized for our performance to the U.N., then he offered to captain the 2014 team.
The PGA opted for Tom Watson, who has left Jordan home and dubbed his squad “The Redeem Team.” His players have downplayed that because of …
3. The pressure.
Men who normally yawn over $250,000 putts throw up on their Foot-Joys trying to make a two-footer for their country or continent. While players suffer nervous breakdowns, the gallery turns into a Wrestlemania crowd.
It makes for great TV, unless you’re a rookie like Jordan Spieth and have 10,000 crazed fans chanting “Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole,” as you try to tee up a ball. Here’s hoping Spieth silences the crowd because …
4. Europe takes this too seriously.
Rickie Fowler showed up with a new haircut featuring “USA” shaved around his right ear. You’d have thought he goosed the Queen.
“An exhibition of thuggish jingoism,” is how The Telegraph put it.
As Sergeant Hulka told Psycho in “Stripes,” “Lighten up, Francis.” It’s a golf tournament, not a Code Pink rally.
The Euros are still sore at Corey Pavin for wearing a Desert Storm camo cap in the 1991 Ryder Cup. They groused when an F-16 flew over Medinah.
Watson brought in a couple of Wounded Warriors to inspire this year’s team. And Phil Mickelson triggered a continental furor when he made a crack about how McIlroy and Graeme McDowell are suing each other over a management breakup.
“The biennial spectacular already has all the ingredients to turn nasty, fast,” The Telegraph wrote.
What, is Bubba Watson going to cough during Martin Kaymer’s backswing? If you don’t care for nasty, here’s the best reason to watch the Ryder Cup …
5. It’s not football.
In a nice break, there’s little chance you’ll see Roger Goodell, Gloria Allred or a TMZ report on your TV screen. Matt Kuchar is not going to be suspended for half a match, then an entire day, for jumping on a clubhouse table and yelling an obscenity.
There is a chance, however, you’ll see more compelling drama in three days than the Bucs, Dolphins and Jaguars will provide all season. I’d say may the best team win, but I’d prefer a different final scene.
Watson taking a razor and shaving one more word on Fowler’s head:
RULES!