“Vlad, I don’t believe you quite understand. It turns out presidents here can’t simply do whatever they want. It seems I have to go over to Congress and get 60 senators to either agree with me or at least state they don’t care enough to bother. It turns out I kind of upset some of them when I was running for this office. You would think they could forget being called names like Lying Ted, Crazy Bernie, Goofy Warren, or Little Marco. I wish they could know how wonderful I really am. This isn’t like running a business at all. It turns out I can’t fire any of these guys. …
No Vlad, I can’t send them to prison for tax evasion. I am not sure I want anyone looking at people’s taxes too much. No, I think they would notice if a few senators suddenly disappeared. I wish it was like your country. I really do. Then a guy could really be a leader. Here, not so much. …
Oh, yeah! The wall will be beautiful! I promise. We have run into a few snags, though. It seems the government has to hire union workers. Can you imagine? The Mexicans say they will only pay for part of the damn thing if we hire their workers to build it. Mexican nationals working at U.S. union scale. It makes my head spin. Yesterday, they discovered a lizard in the proposed path of the wall. They say there are only 10 of the damn things left in the whole world. My guys would have just stomped on the damn thing. Now we got to redesign and build around the lizards. It turns out that the border runs through some pretty rocky and hilly area and then there is that damn river. Did you know that the damn thing moves? It seems no one knows for certain where the border really is in the El Paso area. We’ll get it sorted out. Trust me. We’re going to be winners again. Maybe we will call it the Trump Wall! …
The deportations are going slow, but well. It’s working great. Thanks for asking. Finding 11 million people is a little harder to organize than I originally thought. You know they tell me you can’t just assume because they look Mexican or speak Spanish that they are illegal. How are we supposed to round them up? And the costs! Did you know we have to give each one of these people a hearing with a judge and fricking attorneys? Congress says we can’t hire more judges because of the deficit. Those guys just get so bogged down in the details. How do they ever get anything done? In business, we just get things done. If it doesn’t work, the lawyers file bankruptcy and start again. Not here. Oh, I wish I could just make things happen like you. …
No, I know. I’ve heard. But, I promise you there will be chicken dinner at your visit. There must be some U.S. citizens who want to work in the poultry industry. I promise you will still be able to get those California tomatoes, Vlad. Of course they might cost a bit more. But, what do you care? …
“By the way, how do you talk to that Angela Merkle? I can’t get past the face! It is not like the Miss Universe Pageant. This is so hard.”
Raymond Kirchner is a Kailua-Kona resident.