Hope you all are sitting down, ‘cause today you will fall over with LOLs. So, let’s getting started!
When Hillary is elected president, will there be a “First Lady?” (I don’t think so unless she has really been secretive!) We just have to decide how to refer to Mr. Clinton. Do we call him “First Man” or “First Guy” or “First Gentleman?” No way! OK, that puzzle should keep you busy for a few days. Now to some real LOLs!
A man is having a drink with his buddy and they are discussing the high price of utilities these days. His friend says, “When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now, as an adult, I see the electric bill and I’m afraid of the light!”
A junior high student was assigned a paper on childbirth, so he asked his parents, “How was I born?” “Well, honey,” said the boy’s mom, “the stork brought you to us.” “Oh, well how did you and daddy get born?” exclaimed the boy. “Oh, the stork brought us, too,” chimed in the dad. “Well, how about grandpa and grandma?” he persisted. “Well darling, the stork brought them too!” said the mom. He excused himself and went out to play with friends. Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: “This report has been difficult to write because there has not been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations!”
A family gathers for a family photo and the photographer says to the young man, “It will make a much better picture if you put your hand on your father’s shoulder.” The father smiles and responds, “But it would be a much more realistic photo if he had his hand in my pocket!” Ah yes, some father’s are soooo smart!
One for mother and son? A teenager had lost his contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a brief, fruitless search, he gave up. His mother took up the cause and within minutes she had found the lens. “I looked everywhere,” he said, “How did you do that?” “Easy,” replied the mom, “we weren’t looking for the same thing! You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I, on the other hand, was looking for $150!” Remember paraprosdokians? Google it!
And now some one-liners: If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive! … I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you! … Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool; so I gave him a glass of water … My wife and I were happy for 20 years; then we met … Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were! … Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes! … And the grand finale: He who laughs last, thinks slowest!
Most of us do not realize that we were “home schooled” in many ways! Here are just a few reminders for you: My mother taught me religion. “You better pray that will come out of the carpet!” … My father taught me logic. “Because I said so, that’s why!” … My mother taught me about contortionism. “You just look at that dirt on the back of your neck!” … My mother taught me about anticipation. “Just wait until your father gets home!” … My father taught me about justice. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
OK, friends, enough LOLS? See ya next week with the results of the primary. Hope you voted! Aloha, a hui hou.