As I start to write today’s column the warning sirens are sounding the upcoming storms! I must keep saying to myself: Auwe! Auwe! This so reminds me of my Texas grandpappy’s favorite saying when we awaited the storms and tornadoes at home: “Honey, if we gonna pi— on Mother Earth, she gonna pi— on us!” Now, some healthy suggestions to keep you busy: Pick a foreign accent and talk in it all day! … Learn the Morse code! … Build a fort out of tissue and toilet paper rolls! … Become a ventriloquist! … Make a macaroni sculpture! … Practice exotic bird calls. … And the grand finale: Draw happy faces on your toes!
A major speaker for the annual auto dealers convention was visiting the restroom just before he was to speak to the 10,000 members. He was asked, “Are you our special speaker?” “Yes, I sure am and I am excited to be here,” he replied. “Are you nervous?” “No, I am never nervous before I give a big, important speech!” ” If you are not nervous, then what are you doing in the ladies room?” Yep, he blushed and ran out the door!
Some shorties? An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have! The older she gets, the more interested he is in her! … Wife: I wish I were a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day!” Husband: I too wish you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day!” Yep, and then the fight began!
A very distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office and said, “I must speak to the doctor!” When he came on the line she said,”Is it true, I must know, that the new medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?” “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked: ‘No refills!’”
Howze about a “smart kid response?” The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes, the teacher asked, “Suppose I ask you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude? After a long silence, a voice in back of the class spoke, “Well, I guess you’d be eating all alone!”
Many positive comments about Phyllis Diller quotes, so I will close with a couple favorites: “Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle: ‘Keep away from children!’” One more? “You know you are old if they have discontinued your blood type!” Mahalo to one of the funniest ladies of our times, Phyllis Diller! Now, just to remind you all of something you know: Getting old sucks! I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check!
Dats it for today my friends. Be well … Be kind … Aloha, a hui hou.