My friends, you do not need the pathetic political jokes I have today. So, let’s just skip to the naughty: A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide!” The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband!” The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide.” The lady reached in her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband kissing the pharmacist’s wife! The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription!”
Only my Texas relatives could think of this one. It comes from the country where drunk driving is considered a sport. (And yep, partner, this is a true story!). A routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in Austin, TX. He noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man finally stumbled around the parking lot, trying his keys on five different vehicles before opening the door of one and almost falling in. He finally started the car, switched on the wipers (it was a dry summer night), flicked the lights off and on, and honked the horn several times. He then slowly moved the vehicle forward, then back and sat there until the remaining cars in the lot left. At last he cupped out and started to drive away. The patrol officer immediately pulled the man over and administered the breathalyzer test. To the officer’s amazement, there was no evidence the an had consumed any alcohol! Dumbfounded, the officer said, “You need to come to the station with me. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.” “I doubt it,” said he truly proud redneck. “Tonight I’m the designated decoy!”
Now, some for we seniors! A woman told her friend, “I felt like my body had gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over!”
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher that she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. “Walmart?” the preacher exclaimed! “Why Walmart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters will visit me twice a week! (Yep … pathetic!)
Now some shorties … So, I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt! … My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married, I didn’t want him to! … I have to admit, I am a pretty smart woman. I know all the right answers! Unfortunately, everyone asks me the wrong questions! … One friend says to another, “Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is ‘I am?’” “Really?” replies the other. “What is the longest sentence?” “I do!”
Maybe a couple more? My friend and her husband both work, so their family eats out a lot. Recently, when they were having a rare home-cooked meal, she handed a glass to her three-year-old and told her to drink her milk. The girl looked at her mom somewhat bewildered and replied, “But I didn’t order milk!” (Ah, kids will always bring laughter!)
I was having coffee with some doctor friends and one of my friends asked another, “Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?” The oldest doc in the group replied, “My sense of decency.”
That’s enough, my friends. Be well. Aloha, a hui hou.