I would like to share with you something that happened to me and my partner recently at Ray’s on the Bay. It’s something I feel is worth sharing as it was a testament to the spirit of aloha and the progressive stance that Hawaii takes to support people from all walks of life. It is acts of kindness like the example that follows that will strengthen our community rather than divide us.
My partner is a transgender man. A transgender man is a person who was born female though identifies as male. As she is just beginning her transition from a female body to a male body through the use of testosterone, she still uses feminine pronouns and her female name. She dresses like a man and wears her hair short and is in an in-between stage where some people think she is male and others female. Just the other day, when using the women’s bathroom, she was scolded that she was in the wrong bathroom. The journey has begun.
Recently, my partner and I went to Ray’s on the Bay at the Sheraton for a special occasion. We dressed up and were looking forward to our celebratory meal. It was a lovely evening, the sun had just set, and we were shown to our table. As we took our seats, I noticed the people at the table next to us were looking at us repeatedly. It was not a surprise. I understand when people look at us longer than usual. It is human nature. I assume they are trying to figure out the gender of my partner, which, as I mentioned, is not immediately evident these days.
As we sat enjoying the view and each other’s company, the table of one man and two women continued to turn and look at us. Though I noticed it, I ignored it. As the evening progressed, the apparent stares and whispers continued. It was beginning to impact our meal, which had just been served.
As we started to eat, I put a piece of food in my partner’s mouth and out of the corner of my eye I saw a disgusted look on the man’s face as he covered his mouth and whispered to the table. All three turned around and looked at us. The looks on their faces were of disdain. I lost my appetite. I felt embarrassed. Why was our meal the centerpiece of their conversation? Didn’t we have the right to enjoy a romantic evening without someone staring at us? I felt my cheeks flush and adrenaline run through my body. I realized that we now sat at a table full of expensive food and neither of us had any desire to eat.
I knew I had to say something, but I didn’t want to. I don’t like confrontation, and the mere thought of approaching their table made my heart pound, my mouth become dry, and my hands begin to sweat. I nervously stood up and walked over to their table. As I stood there anxiously, I told them that I had noticed that our relationship had become a talking point for them and that it was making us uncomfortable. The man denied any responsibility stating that he was discussing the cats that sat near our table. Again, I shared how they were obviously discussing our relationship and that their unrelenting stares had made me very uncomfortable. One of the women lowered her head and apologized sincerely, then the other woman did the same, though the man said nothing.
I returned to our table, still palpably upset. We sat in disbelief and disappointment that we had to defend our right to sit at a restaurant and enjoy our meal without people gawking at us. Our celebratory meal felt spoiled, our special occasion cut short. We watched the man and the two women leave and wondered if they would make a different choice next time. I hoped so. With no desire to eat, I approached our waiter, Erik, and let him know what had happened and that we would need some to go boxes for our uneaten meal. This was when our evening changed for the better.
Erik immediately asked if the people were still there and if there was anything he could do to support us. The table had already left though I appreciated the gesture very much. I let him know that all we would need were boxes. Without hesitation, Erik said that the entire meal would be comped, that he was on our side and unwilling to tolerate discrimination. He brought us boxes, apologized again for the people’s unkind behavior and gave us each a hug, iterating his support for us.
Instead of leaving Ray’s on the Bay in disappointment, we left feeling the love and support of our local community. We felt the profound impact when one person stands up for another in both word and action. We are deeply grateful to Erik and Ray’s on the Bay for their generosity of spirit to stand up against discrimination. Head over to Ray’s on the Bay for a meal and if Erik is your waiter, tip him generously. He deserves it.
Heather Fields is a resident of Hawaii