Aloha, my laughing friends. Let’s get the one political laugh done, even though I could do an entire column with political jokes or goofs. Here it comes … As the British have said: The American political staff are jumping ship so fast they are leaving the rats gaping and applauding. You seafaring folks will understand this “classic” about the sinking ship!
After 15 years of marriage a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what was the problem, the wife went into a tirade. On and on she went — neglect, lack of intimacy, feeling unloved, etc., etc., a long laundry list of unmet needs. Finally, allowing for some quiet time, the therapist got up, walking around the desk and asked the wife to stand up. He then embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with raised eyebrows! The woman said nothing and sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?” “Well,” the husband said, “I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday, but I play golf on Friday!” One more da kine?
To celebrate their silver anniversary a couple went to Niagara Falls. They went into a hotel and asked the clerk for a room. “We only have the honeymoon suite available,” the clerk told them! “My wife and I have been married 25 years,” the man replied. We don’t need the honeymoon suite!” “Look buddy,” the desk clerk said, “I might rent you Yankee Stadium, but you don’t have to play baseball in it!” Ouch!
Enough borderline naughties? Let’s do a little Johnny! Johnny’s father asked him for the password to their WiFi. “It’s taped under the modem,” Johnny told him. After three failed attempts to log on, the father asked: “Am I spelling it right?” TAPEDUNDERTHE MODEM! … Some shorties?
Fred: I drink a pint of water before going to bed every night! Ed: Why’s that? Fred: It gives me a reason to get up in the morning! (And for we seniors, a reason to get up at midnight! Ugh!)
Q: Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? A: There was no chemistry!
One for you Starbucks fans.: It was rush hour morning and this smart a— at the counter orders a “decaf grande, half soy, half low-fat, iced vanilla, double shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice with one Sweet’N Low and one NutraSweet!” Without missing a beat, the young lady behind the counter stepped to the side, looked at the next customer and said, “How can I help you?”
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign came up that read, “Low Bridge Ahead!” Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under it. Cars were backing up for miles! Finally a police car drove up and the cop got out and walked up to the truck driver’s door. He put his hands on his hips and said, “So, got stuck, huh?” The truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!” (I ask you … did the officer laugh?)
One last one! A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said that he should because he gets up first. He said that she should because she is in charge of cooking and that is her job. The wife replied, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee!” The husband replied, “I can’t believe that, show me!” So she fetched their Bible off the table, opened it and showed him at he top of several pages, that indeed it says, “Hebrews.”
One last one about me, the “laughter lady” … I’m retired! I was tired yesterday, and I’m tired again today!
OK, my friends … Please drive the speed limit … Prevention! Aloha … a hui hou.