As my oldest son would claim, this first joke is for all the computer nerds in your community. My classic response to him, ”Yep … takes one to know one!” So, let’s get going …
Two men are sitting at a table in the coffee shop. One with a computer in front of him says to the other, “I don’t think you even know what a hard drive is!” The other man responds, “Oh yes I do! Last month I drove across country with my wife, three kids and a dog. I know what a hard drive is!”
A young doctor friend of mine loves to be funny. We see each other at the post office and he starts in, ”So Shay, what do you think?” as he points to the tight pants he is wearing. “I thought it was the dryer that shrank my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator!” Then he says, “Howze about a couple more?” Of course I say, “You go friend!” “Well,” he says, “when I was 25, I gave up women and alcohol. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life!” Then of course he asks me to tell one he has not heard. So I tell him one of my recent favorites: “I’m going to retire and live off my life savings. But I have no idea what I’ll do the next day!” Close to home?
Now for a few words for we retirees. Please, don’t get upset with me! … “My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn at all. My house isn’t dusty and the cobwebs are gone. My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn. I think I shall never put my glasses back on!”
One more oldie … An elderly woman hired an attorney after her car was towed. She claimed there was nothing wrong with leaving her automobile on a street corner where a sign read, “Fine for parking!”
Some of the best unplanned jokes come from nightmares of mangled translations. Around the world people try to make us welcome by using English. Here are a few “classics” … On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: “Our wines leave you nothing to hope for!” … In a Bangkok dry cleaners: “Drop your trousers here for best results.” … Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: “Ladies may have a fit upstairs!” … In a Rome laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and open the afternoon having a good time!” … In a Paris hotel elevator: “Please leave your values at the front desk.” … and my favorite … An advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: “Would you like to ride on your own ass? … OK, enough of that!
Just remember that a number of holidays are coming soon! Share this with all your family: All over the country, families will sit down to eat Thanksgiving dinner at precisely the same time … halftime!
And now for one last bit of warning: Be careful of the words you speak. Make them soft and sweet. You never know from day to day which ones you’ll have to eat!
Aloha, my friends. A hui hou.