Let’s start with some of my friend’s goals for 2017 … uh, not quite done!
”My goal for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 more to go!” … So, I ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. Oh, and cheese. Fine! It was a pizza! I ate a pizza! … How to prepare tofu: a) Throw it in the trash b) Grill some steak! … Exercise? I did just a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web! … I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in three hours and 20 minutes … and the grande: A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it!
There are two women in a car driving down a steep hill. All of a sudden the driver realizes that the brakes are not working. She tells her passenger friend that the brakes don’t work and they could soon drive off the side of the cliff. The friend then replies, “Don’t worry! There’s a stop sign ahead! (Now my friends, was the passenger blond? Ouch!)
A great one for my work in the ER: Early one morning a man, who works in a funeral home, awakened his wife complaining of severe abdominal pain. She rushed him to the ER where he received a series of tests. He told his wife not to call his work until they had the results from the doctor. The doctor soon appeared and told him he was suffering from a kidney stone. The wife immediately turned to her husband and asked, “Would you like me to call the funeral home now?” With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, “Ma’am, he is not that sick!”
A question for all of you: What do we learn from cows, buffaloes and elephants? Answer: It’s impossible to reduce your weight by eating green grass and salads and walking!
Another question? Do you ever wake up, turn over, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive? I did it one time and was informed that I would never be allowed on that airline again!
One for we “older folks” … two women are standing outside looking at clothes hanging on a clothesline blowing in the wind. One says to the other, “It dries the washing using the very latest technology — a combination of solar and wind power!
A husband speaking to a lawyer: “What’s your fee for getting a divorce? The lawyer responds, “$800.” The husband then says, ”But you charged only $300 for my marriage license a few years ago!” The lawyer smiles and says, “Freedom is always expensive!”
Just one more … While studying the occult, a teacher asked one of the boys in her class, ”Can people predict the future with cards?” The boy’s response was, “My mother can!” The teacher replied, “Really?” The young boy was quick to explain, “Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home!”
And now to close with one of my New Year resolutions: “Don’t cut corners! You need to stay sharp!” Happy, happy and be healthy and safe! Aloha, a hui hou.