So much fun to write my column this time of the year with all the holidays on the way. So, let’s get started!
Two Irishmen walk out of bar. No really, it could happen!
Not only was it St. Pat’s this week, but soon we get the gift of April Fools and Easter on the same day. Don’t worry, I’m not going there!
Father O’Boyle has been toasting St. Patrick to the tune of half a bottle of wine. Later, driving erratically, he gets stopped by a cop. The officer notices the bottle of wine on the passenger’s seat and asks, “Father, have you had some wine this evening?” “Oh no, officer,” replies the priest. “Only water!” “Well then, what about that half-empty bottle of wine on the seat?” Father O’Boyle looks at the wine and says, “Holy, Holy! He’s done it again!”
On April 1, 1996, Taco Bell announced they had bought the naming rights to the Liberty Bell. Henceforth it would be known as the Taco Liberty Bell. Outraged citizens jammed the phone lines in protest and their business dropped 90 percent! Duh!
Another April Fools Day prank is when on an elevator, open your bag or briefcase slightly, peer in with concern and ask, “You all right in there?” To increase the reaction of on-lookers you can add, “Got enough air?”
A husband and wife were celebrating 50 years of marriage with a big anniversary party. At one point they were toasted, then asked what it was like to be married for 50 years. The wife, known to have a quick wit replied, “It all seems like five minutes … oh no, maybe 10 … under water!”
Here’s a good tip for Easter: never put all your bunnies in one basket unless, of course, you want more bunnies! More?
On Easter morning the farmer and his wife gathered some eggs, colored them and hid them in the farmyard. A little while later the rooster found some of them. Not knowing anything about Easter, he beat up the family peacock!
A man is talking to his priest and says, “I gave up lots of stuff for Lent! I lent my neighbor my mower, I lent my son my best cowboy boots and I lent my daughter my car!” Sounds familiar to me!
A sign you don’t want to see at your dentist’s office: “Tongue and Cheek Piercing Also Available!”
Question: What do you call an Irishman who runs at a wall, bounces off the wall, runs at the opposite wall and bounces off, then runs back at the original wall? Rick O’Shea!
If you are a card sender on holidays then you know that drugstores understand life. That’s why the anniversary cards and sympathy Cards are right next to each other. (I know, it’s not really funny!)
My friend got tasered at the airport picking up his friend. Apparently security doesn’t like it when you shout, “Hi Jack!”
Gotta have one slightly naughty one and then I’ll close. A mama bird and her baby are on a high wire above traffic. She says to the baby bird, “Well, hold it until we find a shiny parked car!”
And to close with one of my favorite Bob Hope quotes: “I love to go to Washington D.C, if only to be near my money!”
Have a great week, my friends. LOL, LOL … Aloha, a hui hou.