A message intercepted by US Intelligence to our prez
President Donald J. Trump
The White House
Washington, DC, USA
Via diplomatic courier
Highly confidential
Dear Mr. President:
Kindest felicitations on the celebration of the American holiday termed Thanksgiving. We trust you are superlatively grateful.
Wishing for your pardon to get right to business, we find ourselves in need of your information. For reasons unnecessary to explain here, we are considering the use of our embassy in Washington as a venue in which to terminate certain troublesome dissidents who have become traitors to our country.
We understand that if this eventuality were to be discovered by the American enemy-of-the-people press, it might be discomforting to you. However, recent news reports have indicated to us that this problem may be remedied. To put the matter rather bluntly, how much investment in American, or perhaps Trump, properties would it take for you and your administration to ignore the event or, even better, to praise us for our generosity to America.
Please be assured that no American citizens, other than possibly a few so-called “naturalized” ones would be involved. Likewise, no members of the Trump or Kushner families will be affected at all.
We are looking ahead to your quickest reply as these individuals have become quite irksome to us, as I have reason to believe you can understand.
The people of our country love and adore you and most of your supporters. God’s blessings to you and them!
Cordially,
(Name and country redacted)
John Sucke
Kamuela