Aloha to all you St. Patrick’s Day celebrators. Hope you still have enough ‘eye-focus’ to read my column today. Better yet, take two aspirin and call me tomorrow! Now some laughter to cure your hangovers!
A cat dies and goes to heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire, just ask!” The cat says, “Well, I’ve lived all my life with a poor farm family and I had to sleep on a hard wood floor. God says, “Say no more!” And instantly a fluffy pillow appears!
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at he gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said, “All our lives we’ve had to run! Cats, dogs, even women with brooms chased us! If we could only have a pair of roller skates we wouldn’t have to run anymore!” God says, “Say no more!” and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is asleep on his fluffy pillow, and God wakes him and asks how he is doing. The cat yawns and stretches and says, “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life! And those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the BEST I’ve ever had!”
A few ‘shorties’?
***How do Mathematicians scold their children? Answer: If I’ve told you n-times, I’ve told you N+1 times!!
***What did the DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
***How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!
…and the grande..
***You’re not completely useless! You can always serve as a bad example of something!!
…and a few puns…
***What do you call a fish without eyes. Answer: Fsh!
***What do you call an alligator detective? Answer: An Investi-gator!!
***What kind of ghost has the best hearing? Answer: The eeriest one!!
OK, this next is dedicated to my home state! A blind man is traveling, hoping to experience new things. His travels take him to Texas the first summer. When he gets to his hotel, he feels the bed and says: Wow, this bed is huge!” The bellhop replies, “Yep Partner, everything in Texas is bigger. The man then goes to the bar and orders a beer. The mug is placed between his hands! “Wow, these drinks are enormous!” “Yep,” says the bartender, “Everything in Texas is big!” After a few beers, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the 3rd door, which leads to the swimming pool. He falls right in the pool. The few swimmers were shocked when the man suddenly popped his head up, flailing his arms, and screaming: “Don’t flush! DON’T FLUSH!”
Time to close, my friends! A great thought to carry you through this next week: “PAY IT FORWARD!” Be well, smile and LOL!! Aloha, a hui hou.