This being Memorial Day, I dedicate my column to and honor all our uniformed men and women who have served our country, putting their lives on the line for the freedom we all now live and cherish. As this 75th anniversary of D-Day approaches, this Memorial Day feels very poignant.
Now in their memory, let’s get started.
A couple are driving down a country lane on their way to visit friends. They come to a muddy patch in the dirt road and the car becomes bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out, a young farmer comes down the lane driving some oxen before him. The farmer stops and offers to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepts and minutes later the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said: “You know, you are the 10th car I’ve helped out of the mud today.”
The husband looks around at the fields and asked the farmer: “When do you have time to plow your land? At night?”
“No,” the young farmer replies seriously, “Night is when I put the water in the hole!”
Now for some ancient wisdom for Funny Lines:
• Half the people you know are below average.
• A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
• 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• If everything seems to be going well, you have overlooked something.
And da grande finale:
• Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have any film.
An older man asked his doctor, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”
The doctor replied: “Well, we fill up a bath tub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup, and a bucket to the person to empty the bath tub.”
“Oh, I understand,” said the man. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup!”
“No,” said the doctor. “A normal person would pull the plug in the tub! Now, do you want a bed near the window?”
A young businessman, Todd had just started his own firm. He’d rented a beautiful office and had furnished it with beautiful antique desks. Sitting in his office, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, Todd picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made grand commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: “Can I help you?”
The man replied with a smile on his face, “Sure. I’ve been asked to install your phone!!’
One more for all you business people whom we could not live without!
A young exec was leaving his office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of the office shredder holding a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned on the machine, inserted the piece of paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent,” said the CEO, beaming as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I only need one copy!”
Well..I think this will do for a ‘grande finale.’ Have you heard there is a company planning on making vegan hotdogs? Now we’ve heard it all!
Have a thoughtful holiday and remember what it is all about! Be kind, help your friends and family, and clean your streets. Aloha, a hui hou.