So sorry about last week folks, but I have this passion for Hawaiian canoe paddling and I was competing in the Queen Liliuokalani races. No gold medals, but hallelujah, no DFLs. Now for your weekly LOLs.
• Wife to husband, “Remember dear, I’ll be out of town most of next week. Will you be OK watching everyone by yourself while I’m gone?”
“Please,” he replies, “I can handle three kids!” She responds loudly, “We have four!” (Oh dear, trouble on its way.)
• A young boy and his father are in Ace Hardware when the boy picks up an item and says, “Can you buy me this? It’s only $8.”
“No!” the father responds.
The child then says, “What? You don’t have $8?”
The father says, “I have $8. I just have other things to spend my money on.”
“Like what?”
“Like four college degrees and four weddings!” the father says.
The son, with a chuckle, replies, “I’m never getting married! So, just cash me out now!”
You all love my one-liners, at least that’s what you tell me, so let’s go:
• Need an ark? I Noah a guy!
• How do you make an egg roll? Push it!
• What did the light say to the car? Don’t look, I’m changing.
• What did the plate say? “Lunch is on me!”
One more?
• How’s the new furniture store doing? Sofa, so good!
A young man is visiting his grandpa and at breakfast he noted a film-like substance on his plate. So he asks grandpa, “Are these plates clean?”
Grandpa replies, “Yep, as clean as cold water can get them. Now, you just finish your meal.”
For lunch, grandpa made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about his plate as it had specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. So again he asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without hesitating the old man sternly replied, “I told you they are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later that day, John was about to leave on an errand but grandpa’s dog wouldn’t let him out the door. So, he yelled at his grandpa, “Your dog won’t let me out!”
Without turning his attention away from the TV, grandpa shouted: “Coldwater, go lay down, ya hear me!”
• The following notice now can be found in all French churches. It is written first in French then translated as below:
It is possible that on entering this church you may hear the call of God. On the other hand, it is not likely He will contact you by phone. So, thank you for turning off your phone. If you would like to talk to God, come in and choose a quiet place and talk to Him. If you would like to see Him, send a text message while driving!
Almost time to close? Some puns?
• I always believed my body was a prison. Yep, it is made of cells!
• The cardiovascular system is a work of artery, but also pretty vein!
• England does not have a kidney bank, but it has a Liverpool.
• A hair-raising experience sounds promising to a bald man.
One more?
• What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head while I give these two a lift!
Aloha folks, be ever grateful for family and friends, a hui hou.
Shay Bintliff, MD, writes a weekly humor column for West Hawaii Today