OK, I will fess up. I did send a letter to Santa this year and because I know many of you are wondering, what, I’ll share it with you.
“Dear Santa, This year all I ask is for a big fat bank account and a slim, very athletic fit body. Please, don’t mix up the two like you did last year!”
• A cute dog is sitting at the owner’s computer and turns to the lady and says: OK, email is OK, but I really miss biting the postman!
• This next one is for real! An attorney’s office sign on their door: Ditcher, Quick &Hyde — Divorce Lawyers.
• A man is walking the street one Christmas Eve morning and starts to feel really hungry. He sees a sign on a restaurant that says: “Try Our Exotic Breakfast!” So he goes in and the waitress asks what he wants.“What’s that Exotic Breakfast?”
“Baked tongue of chicken,” the waitress proudly replies.
The man shouts, “Have you any idea how disgusting that sounds? I’d never even think about eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!”
The waitress is taken aback but calmly says, “No problem. So what would you then prefer?”
The man says, “Just bring me some scrambled eggs.”
Time for some shorties.
• I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully, I’m cured …I’m ex-static!
• Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Nope, they’re all too cheesy!
• What did Gorgonzola say to cheddar? “Lookin’ sharp!”
One more?
• What does a lady in a mall do with a cheesy credit card? Goes on an all day shopping brie. (Now that gives pathetic new meaning!!)
• Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty woman asked, “I want this material for a pretty new dress. How much does it cost?”
The clerk smiles and says, “One kiss per yard!”
“That’s fine, I’ll take 10 yards,” she replied.
With excitement written over his face, the clerk measures out 10 yards and wraps it. He holds it out teasingly to the woman who snaps up the package, then points to an elderly man standing beside her and says with a smile, “Grandpa, pay the man!”
Time to close with two very important items. Recently, two items were added to the Oxford English Dictionary (the official one?)
• TGIF. Can’t believe any of you don’t know this, but here, Thank God It’s Friday! And the other one?
• LOL. Yep, used to draw attention to a joke or express laughter.
The New Year is upon us soon and I wish for your safety amidst fireworks and noise …Watch the children! Aloha, a hui hou.
Shay Bintliff, MD, writes a weekly humor column for West Hawaii Today.