Aloha friends and readers, let’s start the day with one for all of you thinking about marriage. (You’ll need a good laugh. Nah, just joking.)
• The newlywed wife says to her husband when he returned from work, “I have great news for you! Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two!”
Her husband ran to her with a smile and delight in his eyes. He was glowing with happiness and hugging her when she said, “I’m glad you feel this way since tomorrow morning my mother moves in with us!” (I know, naughty, naughty!)
And the followup:
• A small boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you, Grandma! Now, maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother curiously asks, “What trick is that my dear?”
The little boy replies, “I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you come to visit us again!”
Now for your favorite puns:
• Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It’s very time-consuming.
• I didn’t used to like duck tape, but soon I got attached to it.
• Why did the tomato blush? It saw the salad dressing.
• What do you call a cow eating grass? A lawn-mooer.
OK guys, this one for all of you!
• How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat? Nobody knows, it has never happened! (Yes, I have two sons and they won’t speak to me for a week!)
• And from my OB-GYN best friend: Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg? They don’t stop to ask for directions!
• It was late one night in Washington, DC when a well dressed man went out to smoke in an alley behind bar. As he stood there, a mugger wearing ski mask jumped out from behind a dumpster and pointed a gun at him and shouted, “Give me all your money!”
Indignant, the affluent man says, “You can’t do this! I am a US congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me my money!”
• Surely you all know the word “ridiculous.” Well, here is an item that gives that word new meaning. A $50,000 study by the city of Cape Cod found the the only way to guarantee safety from shark attacks is to stay on the beach! Duhhhhhh.
A few more for you married folks, soooo much fun!
• A man is talking to his neighborhood buddy and was a bit antsy. He said, “My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me my cup! Man, I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.”
• Every time you talk to your wife, you should always remind yourself, “This conversation will be recorded for training and quality purposes!”
• And to finish with the all-time women’s favorite: If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you!
• Only this final one (yep, it is final) can come from me: If your doctor strongly tells you to avoid any unnecessary stress, then just don’t open his or her bill!
Be happy, be healthy, aloha, a hui hou.
Shay Bintliff, MD, writes a weekly humor column for West Hawaii Today.