OK, folks … one week from today we are done! Election is in the past and I am sooooo relieved. I have just about run out of funny rants and it is just a matter of celebration time! … and don’t try and guess what I know I will be celebrating!
A fun holiday is also coming and I asked my good friend if she was going to wear her usual mask she had on today or buy another one. She got all huffy with me and refused to buy my coffee!
Next, I want you all to realize that children on chocolate and sugar are very hyperactive. Some funny Halloween quotes I can remember and will share a few: Last Halloween was bad for my friend. He got beat up at a party! He went dressed as a piñata. … When I was 12, I went as my mother for Halloween. I put on a pair of heels, went door to door and criticized what everyone else was wearing! … My version of a haunted house is hitting “yes” when an ATM asks me if I’d like to see balance! Yep, one more good one … One Halloween my Dad dressed us as a sickly old woman, and Mom dressed up as a very glamorous lady. They were going to a party as a “before and after” Geritol ad.
One last spooky one? One Halloween, three thirsty vampires walked into a bar. “What’ll it be, boys?” asked the bartender. “Give me a pint of blood,” said the first vampire. “Give me a pint of blood also,” replied the second one. The third vampire paused, then said, “Give me a pint of plasma!” “OK,” said the bartender. “Two bloods and a blood light!”
Car problem solved! A man went to pick up his car at the auto repair shop. The mechanic said, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn much louder!” But that didn’t work. The man was in a traffic crash the next day and ended up in the hospital. His best friend came to visit him, and the patient struggled to said to his friend, “My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She’s so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside.” “What does she read?” the friend asked. “My life insurance policy!”
OK, time for my favorite “local” joke: There’s the “not-so-bright” young woman from … well, you all know where she is from and hair color as well. She is out for a walk. She comes to a rushing stream of water and sees another woman on the opposite bank. “You-hoo,” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?” The second woman looks up the raging stream, then shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
Out of the mouths … “Mom, you said that our new baby brother has your eyes and Daddy’s nose, didn’t you?” “Yes, darling,” the mother replies. “Well, you’d better keep an eye on him … he’s got grandpa’s teeth!” … One more? A young boy is with his parents at his father’s company picnic when a friend of his mother’s makes a comment, “Gee, your Dad really fills his plate often. I saw him go to the buffet table five times!” “Oh no, that’s not for him. He’s filling those plates for my Mom!”
And nearing our closing today … from a 1st grade school teacher’s pupils when asked to “share a fun item!” Millie, age 6: “My uncle goes out on a boat with two other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs!” William, age 7: “When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the trade winds didn’t blow, the sailors would whistle to make the winds come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans!” James, age 7: “My Dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my Mom!” Now if one of these didn’t make you smile, you need to find a sense of humor. And this last one is a guarantee!
A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After only three minutes in the exam room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what was the problem. She told him her story, and as she finished, he sat her down and told her to relax! The older doctor then found the younger doctor in his office doing paper work. “What in heaven’s name is the matter with you?” he demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four children and seven grandchildren … and you tell her she’s pregnant?!” The younger doctor kept writing, and without looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”
I think that’s enough LOLs for today, my friends. Have a grand week celebrating the election … Sooooooo glad it is all over! Aloha … a hui hou.