Whew, I’ve had enough fireworks, parties and first of the year political scares! How about you? After too many parties, and listening to all the jabber jabber, I now fully believe that some people should use a glue stick instead of Chap Stick! Now, I probably could stop with that one … but more to come!
A police officer called the station on his radio. “I have an interesting case here. An elderly woman just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped!” “Have you arrested the woman?” they asked. “Not yet … the floor is still wet!”
OK, one for you smarties: What is the difference between a cat and a comma? Well, one has claws at the end of its paws, and one has a pause at the end of a clause! (I know … pathetic!)
A pickpocket was pronounced guilty and sentenced by the judge to pay a $200 fine. His defense lawyer, knowing that his client could not pay the fine, pleaded with the judge asking, “Your honor, my client can only afford $50. But, if you allow him a few minutes in the crowd …” Whatcha think?
Seeing the living room in shambles, a woman called the police to report a possible burglary. “I can understand why you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out in the bedroom and contents scattered all over the floor,” said the policeman. Then the wife said, “Well, if it had been only the bedroom, I would have thought my husband was just looking for a clean shirt!”
Several favorites from students: “How are you getting on with your exams?” “Not bad. The questions are easy enough, it’s the answers I’m having trouble with!” … Another student: “I like the paper my final exam is on. It fascinates me. I can sit and stare at it for hours!” … A student is repeatedly asked about his final exam grades. His response, “I don’t know what more they want. They give me questions I don’t know, so I give them answers they don’t know!”
This should sound familiar to all: I don’t trust those Internet and TV ads about apps. They say they are free, but how do I know I’m not getting charged hidden fees after I download them? Do they really do what they say they’re going to do? And all those gigabytes they use up! I just feel very uneasy when it comes to the kind of cell phone technology. I guess that makes me “app-rehensive!”
Now for a bit of “Holy humor:” A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, “I know what the bible means!” His father smiled and replied, “What do you mean, you ‘know’ what the bible means?” The son replied with excitement, “It stands for ‘Basic Information Before Leaving Earth!’”
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in this package?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments!” answered the lady. The clerk smiled the rest of the day! One more …
A pastor got up one Sunday in front of his congregation and announced with an unusual serious face, “I have good news and bad news! The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building program and the youth center. The bad news is, it’s still out therein your pockets!”
OK, just one more: While driving in Pennsylvania, a family came upon an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign …”Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust!”
It’s time to end, my friends, so one last warning: The next time you feel like “throwing in the towel” just remember … it means more laundry! Be well … Aloha, a hui hou.