Dear Annie: My mother-in-law was desperate to have grandchildren, but when our daughter was born, Mom turned out to be a horrible grandmother. Dear Annie: My mother-in-law was desperate to have grandchildren, but when our daughter was born, Mom turned
Dear Annie: My mother-in-law was desperate to have grandchildren, but when our daughter was born, Mom turned out to be a horrible grandmother.
During visits to Grandma’s house, our daughter had to entertain herself in a spare bedroom because Grandma’s dogs didn’t like kids, and Grandma wouldn’t lock up her “babies” for the sake of ours. We planned family trips, but Grandma would always cancel at the last minute. We invited her to school plays and recitals, but Grandma said they were boring and told our daughter that she had no talent.
Mom has a terrible temper and would slap our daughter for things like talking while the TV was on. Grandma did give our daughter lots of gifts, and our daughter always thanked her. But the gifts were thoughtless — anything Mom could pick up cheaply, with no consideration of age, gender or interests. She once bought our teenage girl a toy that was appropriate for a 3-year-old boy.
My daughter is a young adult now. She is polite to her grandmother when she sees her and sends holiday cards with short notes, but otherwise avoids her. She considers Grandma to be a well-intentioned lunatic. The problem is, Grandma has decided that my daughter “owes” her attention since she was such a “loving, wonderful grandmother,” and she is upset about the very sensible boundaries our daughter is drawing for involving Grandma in her personal life.
I am being blamed for the distance between them and am expected to fix it. Grandma is hypersensitive. Suggesting that she might need to do things differently makes her furious. Any ideas? — In the Middle
Dear Middle: You need to stay out of this as much as possible. Your daughter should continue to send cards and thank her grandmother for any gifts, and you can encourage her to periodically phone Grandma or email her with whatever updates she is willing to share. Beyond that, express sympathy when Mom wants more, and ignore as much as you can. This isn’t your responsibility.
Dear Annie: An acquaintance sits beside me at the counter in a local diner several times a week. We both go there because neither of us likes to eat alone.
Here’s the problem: When “Bill” comes in, he sits beside me, but won’t speak unless I speak to him first. I actually have waited for more than an hour, and he wouldn’t talk. Once I do get him to speak, he can’t hold up his end of the conversation. He’ll mumble a few words, and then he’s done. During a two-hour dinner, Bill said fewer than 14 words. I counted. Yet he always makes a beeline for the open stool beside me.
By the way, Bill does this with everyone, not just me. I don’t want to hurt his feelings, but this is so exasperating, it’s affecting my health. — Frustrated in Texas
Dear Texas: Bill sounds socially awkward. Having a conversation is difficult and stressful for him. He sits near you because, for whatever reason, you make him feel comfortable. He doesn’t expect you to converse with him, although he probably appreciates the brief attempts. If you can understand that Bill considers you good company as you are, you might not feel so pressured to get him to talk, which ought to alleviate some of your frustration.
Dear Annie: I’ve been dating “Don” for eight months. When I met him, I didn’t realize he had been seeing a woman for two years. Apparently, they had an understanding that if someone else came along, it would be OK to break up because they live three hours apart. They still communicate on Facebook.
This girlfriend’s family owns some property that is pretty much in Don’s backyard. She stays at a cabin on the property a few times a year. It makes me really uncomfortable. But when I talk to Don about her, he says, “You have nothing to worry about.” But there have been a few nights when he’s called her name in his sleep. He also once told me that if he wanted her back, all he had to do was call her.
Don wants me to move in with him, but I can’t. His relationship with the other woman eats at me all the time. What do I do? — On the Rebound
Dear Rebound: You don’t completely trust Don, partly because he has given you the impression that this woman is always available to him. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. If it doesn’t exist with Don, there won’t be a happy future for the two of you, and you should move on.
Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailboxcomcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.
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