Hawaii for new-comers or malihini

Aloha, this is your friendly guide to living in Hawaii for new-comers or malihini.

There are customs in Hawaii that will make you want to tear your hair out and go screaming back to the mainland. But fear not, I will get you through this.

If you can understand a little Pidgin, and don’t mind getting stuck behind cars going 30 miles an hour in the fast lane, you are on your way to becoming a bona-fide local person.

But first you must learn rules and behavior patterns that will set your teeth on edge.

The first one is Hawaiian Time.

This is the custom of arriving anywhere exactly 30 minutes late. It only pertains to parties or invitations to dinner. If the party starts at 7 you are expected to show up at 7:30.

The encounter will always go with the host saying, “Eh brah, da party started at 7, you’re late!” you reply with a laugh and say, “Hawaiian Time!” and then everybody laughs and everything is ok.

Hawaiian Time only pertains to social functions, not for work. If you show up for work 30 minutes late and say “Hawaiian Time,” no one will laugh and you could be fired.

The next hair-pulling custom only found in Hawaii is the Telephone Shuffle.

This happens when you want to call an office to get information. Getting information about anything in Hawaii is impossible. This is because some office workers in Hawaii only know one thing about their job, and that is, how to call another number.

Say you want to get information on building permits, you call the permit office and hear, “Hello, this is Mr. Yakasoni with building permits.” You ask, “How can I get a permit?” He says, ” Oh, I don’t know nothing about that, you have to call Mr. Hamau.” You call Mr Hamau and ask him the same thing and he says, “O no, you get da wrong office, you have to call Mr. Yakasoni.”

This can go on for hours. You will never get information on building permits.

Another local custom, you can break any rule, get away with anything because of the Next Time Rule. People in Hawaii are so polite they will let you do anything, but will ask you to not do it next time. In Hawaii it is pronounced, “nex’ time.”

Also, you will find that people in Hawaii are so laid back they never want to make a decision. If you are with a local person and ask where to have lunch he will always say, “up to you.” In Hawaii it is pronounced “Op to you.”

For instance, a man will ask his lady, “Eh, you like get married?” she will say, “Op to you.” Or some guy will say to another guy, “eh Brah, how ‘bout I borrow your car and drive to Hilo.” the other guy says, “Op to you.”

A big rule is to always be the first to let someone in on the highway. Also, sitting on the edge of a truck-bed while the truck is going 60 miles an hour is very local. There are fewer local people now because of this.

In paradise never honk your horn unless you are being crashed into.

In Hawaii honking your horn is like letting out a loud burp in church. Very rude. A car can sit half-way through a green light and no one will honk.

Soon you will learn a funny hand gesture called the “shaka”. It means everything’s cool.

Then comes the phrase “da kine’ that means anything and everything.

And then there’s that good old spirit of Aloha. It’s a twinkle in the eye, a softness strong as a mountain, and the sweet emotion all the islands rest upon.

Living here is easy, always let aloha be your guide.

Dennis Gregory is a teacher, artist and writer who mixes truth, humor and aloha in his columns. He can be reached at makewavess@yahoo.com