Met a friend for coffee this morning and had a belly laugh at her T-shirt. It said: “I’m not mean, I’m brutally honest. It’s not my fault that the truth hurts. Here’s a Band Aid.”
Yep, I thanked her!
• What did one elevator say to another? “I think I’m coming down with something!”
• What do computers eat for snacks? Microchips!
• A lady rear-ended a car one morning. She quickly got out of her car to meet the driver of the car she hit. She could not believe that the man who approached her was a dwarf. He stormed toward her and, looking at her, shouted: “I’m not happy!” So, she looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?”
(Yep, apologies to we short people!)
• Best advice I’ve heard for years: After a divorce, who gets the dog? So, highly recommended by attorneys is to have a “petnip.”
• A $50,000 study by the city of Cape Cod found that the only way to guarantee safety from shark attacks is to remain on the beach. Duh!
Now see how smart you are — answer these first:
• Why can’t burritos be trusted? They tend to spill the beans.
• Why do mermaids wear sea shells? Because they outgrew their “B” shells.
• Why can’t pirates remember the alphabet? They always get lost at “C.”
• Why was the bear happy and sad all at once? He was a bi-polar bear.
And the grande finale …
• Why is it that the one who snores always falls asleep first?
A friend sent me this joke and dared me to use it. He knows me only too well, so here goes:
• A man takes his wife to a fancy diner. For some reason the waiter takes the man’s order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, rare please.”
The waiter says, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
The man responds,” Nah, she can order for herself!”
• A man returned from a trip overseas. Not feeling well, he went directly to his hospital from the airport. After his doctor did a barrage of tests, he woke up in a private room alone. The bedside phone rang and it was his doctor calling him. He said to the man, “You have an extremely contagious virus, so we have placed you in total isolation. We’re putting you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?”
“Well, no,” the doctor replied, “but it is the only food we can get under the door!”
Enough for today my friends. And for the latest clown show, tune into politics! Be well, pay it forward, laugh every day!
Aloha, a hui hou.
Shay Bintliff, MD, writes a weekly humor column for West Hawaii Today.