From attending canoe club races to tracking down veterans hunkered down with no phone and electricity, Waikoloa resident Lori Smith-Starnes has been on a mission to make sure no soldier or veteran on Hawaii Island walks alone.
Wherever they are, Smith-Starnes, 54, seeks out service members and veterans to lend a friendly ear, offer support and inform them about resources available to help military and veteran caregivers and their families.
“The Big Island is so isolated that we have some veterans who live off the grid here and are eligible for benefits they don’t even know exist,” Smith-Starnes said. “And many spouses don’t know they can get a caregiving stipend or respite care if they are working caregivers.”
Smith-Starnes is one of about two dozen 2019 Elizabeth Dole Foundation Caregiver Fellows. They are selected each year from across the country to help the foundation achieve its mission of empowering, appreciating and recognizing military caregivers for their service to the nation.
As a former Department of Defense worker who helped military families prepare for and return from deployment, Smith-Starnes draws upon her experience with getting things done in the military and as a caregiver to help other military caregivers. She herself is a full-time caregiver to her husband, Dave, an Army veteran who suffered a traumatic brain injury and severe hearing loss during combat duty in Afghanistan in 2010; and a part-time caregiver to their son, Russ, an Army veteran also injured in Afghanistan. Both men have post-traumatic stress disorder, and Dave has severe migraine headaches and nightmares.
“The ailments don’t always show up on day one — sometimes it’s three to four years down the road,” Smith-Starnes said. “Being married to a wounded warrior means it’s never going to get better. It’s just going to be different from what you knew before, and it’s something to work through each day.”
Smith-Starnes has met about 200 veterans and their families over the course of her fellowship. Because of the pandemic, her outreach is now largely through emails, social media postings and online webinars. Sometimes a phone call and listening with empathy is what the caregivers need.
She said COVID-19 has added an additional layer of stress to some military caregivers.
“COVID has made it really difficult for caregivers who aren’t sleeping because their husbands are not doing well — they’re all shut-in, out of work, the kids are at home, there’s increasing financial pressure,” she said. “I tell spouses every day that you must take care of yourself first. It’s critical or you’ll wither away to nothing as you lose yourself.”
Smith-Starnes wraps up her term as a Dole Fellow at the end of this year, when the couple will move back to the mainland. Lori and Dave moved to Hawaii because Dave got a job as JROTC instructor at Kealakehe High School. Teaching high school students drill and march, military history, leadership and development not only gave Dave new purpose, but also introduced a younger generation to a bigger world.
“He’s got thank you letters from parents whose kids are going to college tuition-free through the ROTC program,” Smith-Starnes noted. “My life is exceptional with my husband — we chose our military life and it has been very good to us. There is no end to this journey, we just keep on going. And we are going to keep helping soldiers and veterans no matter where we are in this life.”
Disrupt Aging is a column produced by AARP Hawaii, West Hawaii Today and Hawaii Tribune-Herald. It runs monthly in the West Hawaii Today. Roberta Wong Murray is an AARP volunteer seeking stories about people who are redefining their age. Contact her at rwongmurray@gmail.com or call 322-6886.
