Let’s start with something you must never forget! “The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter!” Mark Twain. So, get ready to polish your weapon!
“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession! I somehow have come to realize that it bears a close resemblance to the first!” (Can you believe that is a quote from Ronald Reagan?)
A warning! Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will likely distract many from their texting! (Not really funny!)
This laugh comes from a favorite of mine … Rita Rudner. She said, “Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.” Ouch?
Now for a few from the naughty lady, Phyllis Diller: “Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed!” … “Burt Reynolds once asked me out! I was in his room!” … “Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off!” … One more? “We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the following 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up!”
Here’s a great one from my Texas home! A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Dallas. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely attacked by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips!” The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice!”
Tricky question: Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? And da best: Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural? Answer?
Surely you all know what a “lexophile” is. Yes? It is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather unique ways, such as, “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish” or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless!” A contest is held every year, and I will share some of the winners in closing today: When fish are in schools, they take debate! … A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months! … When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. … A boiled egg is hard to beat! … He had a photographic memory which was never developed! … and da grand finale: Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it!
For more great laughs put on your calendar June 30! Comedian Craig Shoemaker will perform at Umekes Paina Room in Kona. See you there!
Be well, do good deeds, hope for volcano relief! Aloha, a hui hou.
