Let’s start the day with one of my very favorites! A woman’s random thoughts: Skinny people irritate me, especially when they say things like, “You know sometimes I just forget to eat!” Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys. But, I have never forgotten to eat! Are those people just an unusual kind of stupid?
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 12 kids, but she doesn’t really care!
Now, the experts keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative, but I heard from it the other day after I said, “Body, how would you like to go to 6 a.m. paddling and do sprints until 8 a.m.?” Clear as a bell my body said, “Listen you b——…. Do it and die!”
I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, sleeping too much, impulse buying and great wine. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day! Howze about you?
My neighbor’s husband stumbled into the house, barely making it to his chair before he dropped totally exhausted! Being a sympathetic wife she was right there with a tall, cool drink and comforting words. “My, you look so tired. What happened to make you so exhausted?” “It was terrible,” her husband said. “The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking!”
OK, how about some “oxymorons?” Is it good if a vacuum really sucks? … Why is the third hand on the watch is called the second hand? … Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing? … Why do “tug” boats “push” their barges?
Here are some “laws” that will make you laugh or at least chuckle! … Law of Close Encounters — The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with! … Law of Biomechanics — The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach! … Law of the Sofa — When your rump hits the cushion, your wife asks for help with something! … and the grand finale: Law of Mechanical Repair — After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee!
And one for y’all … Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an older Jewish man is sitting between them. The first Texan says, “My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres, have 1,000 head of cattle and I call my place Jolly Roger!” The second Texas says, “My name is John, I own 350,000 acres and have 5,000 cattle. They call my place Big John’s.” As they both look at the Jewish man he says, “My name is Irving and I only own 300 acres.” Roger looked at him and says, “What do you raise?” “Nothing,” says Irving. “Well then, what do you call it?” asked John. “Downtown Dallas.”
OK my friends, almost time to close. A few husband and wife LOLs I know many of you will find very familiar!! … When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her! … Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming? 1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it! 2. Whenever you’re right, shut up! … The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it! … Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays!
Yep, I’ve got one more! There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking? It’s called marriage! … and don’t believe everything you read!
Be well … be kind … do good deeds! Aloha, a hui hou.